By: Robert W. Ikena Jr.
“Are you smoking crack!” Jason said on his end of phone.
His name is Jason the crippled Jew, but Jason hates that name. He doesn’t mind the part crippled much because he kind of is; he has Duchene’s Muscular (DMD), is a rapidly progressive form of muscular dystrophy that occurs primarily in boys.
It is caused by an alteration (mutation) in a gene, called the DMD gene that can be inherited in families in an X-linked recessive fashion, but it often occurs in people from families without a known family history of the condition. Individuals who have DMD have progressive loss of muscle function and weakness, which begins in the lower limbs. The DMD gene is the second largest gene to date, which encodes the muscle protein, dystrophin. Boys with Duchene muscular dystrophy do not make the dystrophin protein in their muscles.
Duchene muscular dystrophy affects approximately 1 in 3500 male births worldwide. Because this is an inherited disorder, risks include a family history of Duchene muscular dystrophy (Learning About Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy). He just thinks that calling him a Jew is anti-Semitic, even though I think its just funny to tell people I hangout with someone who’s Jewish.
“What?” Sonny asked with a dimwitted response from the other end of the phone. “You wouldn’t happen to be carrying any would you?”
Oh! Before I forget, this character’s name is wheelchair Bob because he has Friedreich’s Ataxia (FA). Friedreich’s Ataxia is a rare inherited disease that causes nervous system damage and movement problems. It usually begins in childhood and leads to impaired muscle coordination (ataxia) that worsens over time. The disorder is named after Nicholaus Friedreich, a German doctor who first described the condition in the 1860’s.
In Friedreich’s ataxia the spinal cod and peripheral nerves degenerate, becoming thinner. The cerebellum, part of the brain that coordinates balance and movement, also degenerates to a lesser extent. This damage results in awkward, unsteady movements and impaired sensory functions. The disorder also causes problems in the heart and spine, and some people with the condition develop diabetes. The disorder does not affect thinking and reasoning abilities (cognitive functions).
Friedreich’s ataxia is caused by a defect (mutation) in a gene labeled FXN. The disorder is recessive, meaning it occurs only in someone who inherits two defective copies of the gene, one from each parent. Although rare, Fredreich’s ataxia is the most common form of hereditary ataxia, affecting about 1 in every 50,000 people in the United States. Both male and female children can inherit the disorder. There is no cure, but you can receive physical therapy (Friedreich's Ataxia Fact Sheet). Wheelchair Bob’s mom, Barbara, likes to call Wheelchair Bob, Sonny; therefore it’s much funnier coming from her because Sonny is a bit of a Mama’s boy name, and Sonny’s a bit of a Mama’s boy himself.
“You really think you can kick someone’s ass?”
“Why not?” Sonny said.
“With what?” Jason asked.
“Take a look at these guns!” Sonny said, showing off his arms to himself in the reflection of the TV glass like he was Ravishing Rick Rude. “Do you think these bad boy’s are for show?”
Jason says, “I don’t have the time to be checking out your arms. I got to go to work.”
Jason hits end on the phone. He yells out “Louie!” Louie bumbles around in the other room. Louie then opens the door, hitting himself in the face in the process.
“You rang like Lurch” Louie says. Louie is Jason’s male nurse, who is kind of pretty tall, a mix between Cosmo Kramer from Seinfeld and Herman Munster from The Munsters. Louie is dressed in a cross between Gurgaon from The Smurfs and Uncle Fester from The Adams Family.
The phone rings again. Jason looks over at the phone and then to Louie, and Louie then goes to pick it up for him.
Louie answers, “The Herbanfeld Residence. How may I help you?”
“Can I speak with Jason?” Sonny asks.
“Ah, hold on…” Louie said like he was a pizza delivery boy. Louie puts his hand over the phone. “Jason, you have a phone call.”
“I’m a very busy person, who is it?” Jason asks.
Louie takes his hand off of the receiver end of the phone and holds it back up at his ear. “May I ask whose calling?”
Sonny answers in a very high key voice, “Its Mike Tyson!”
“Mike, I always wanted to know. Do tigers get fleas?” Louie asked curiously.
Sonny replied in his high pitch Mike Tyson voice, “No, I have to say they usually don’t because they are part cat and cats don’t get them I don’t think.”
“Oh okay!” Louie says, “But one more thing…”
Jason looks at Louie confused and raises one eyebrow at him.
“Please hold just one more second,” Louie says through the phone as he puts his band back over the receiving end.
Jason asks Louie, “Who is it?”
“It’s Iron Mike!”
“It’s Mike, Mike? About the website?!”
“No! It’s Iron Mike Tyson, the boxer? We’re having a great conversation about the fact that Tigers can’t have fleas. You know, I’ve always thought about getting a Tiger…”
“Give me the phone! He’s calling here to talk to me!”
Louie puts the phone back to his ear. “Excuse me Mike, here’s Jason!!!” Louie was acting as if he was Ed McMahon announcing Jason like he was Johnny Carson. Louie handed Jason the phone.
“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee! Do you get me?” Jason said.
Sonny says without skipping a beat, “Oh yeah, where do you happen to work these days?”
“Where the toilet paper is soft.”
“Who do you hang out with at work nowadays? Dylan or Amy?”
“I hang out with Dylan mostly, but I prefer Amy Charmin, but let’s get civilized, YOU KNOW what I do”
Sonny yells “Line!” like he’s in a movie and wants someone to tell him what he needs to say next.
Jason yells through the phone, “what the heck?!”
Sonny just looks all around like a deer caught in headlights. “No, on the contrary, I didn’t know what I should be talking about.”
“Well, incase you had forgot, I’ve gotten my law degree from University of California, Berkeley. I started my very promising law practice in California, where I was like the white Jewish Johnnie Cochran, but then my mama got ill with the cancer, so I came back here to take care of her and Ellicott City gave me a seat on the bench as their honorable night court judge.”
Sonny asks very flamboyantly, “what exactly does that entail?”
“All of the average AmLouiean stuff that happens on the street at night. It’s a very difficult job for one to have.”
Later that day, Sonny’s in his bathroom singing a song by himself, in his mirror, into his hairbrush.
“Judge Herbanfeld was ill, The Day Ed-T Duckermen showed up, But he told us where we stand. And Sonny was there, In silver underwear, Louie Fingers was the Invisible Man. Then something went wrong, for the big fat Mexican dude named Jorge and Meathead Bill; They got caught in a pickle. Then at a deadly gobble, It came from... the gutters of North Avenue. And this is how the message ran: Judge Herbanfeld will build a creature. See androids fighting Jorge and the meathead, Sonny stars in a pepperoni pineapple pizza, Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh…” Sonny had a tear trickle down his cheek. He wiped it away with his shoulder sleeve. He acted like it was something in his eye. Sonny didn’t want to admit it, even to himself. Sonny then hears someone knocking at the door.
“Who’s out there?” Sonny yells.
Someone yelled back through the door, “it’s me!!”
“Me? Me who? Because I know it isn’t me…” Sonny replies.
“It’s me, Ed. Ed-T Duckermen!” the person at the door yells back.
“Eddie? Eddie Duckermen? Eddie?? I don’t know any stinkin’ Eddie. Wait a second… my uncles, brothers, daughter is married to a guy named Eddie, so I do know an Eddie but I don’t think you’re that Eddie” Sonny said to Ed through the door.
“You’re exactly right, I’m not that Eddie. I am Ed-T, there is a BIG difference.” Ed responded to ensure Sonny would know exactly what his name was.
Wait a second, let me explain who Ed-T Duckermen is, incase you don’t know. Ed-T Duckermen is the YouTube news reporter, like Kermit the Frog on Sesame Street but thinks of himself more like Freddy Benson in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.
“What, are you here to do an expose’ on me?” Sonny continued.
“No contraire, we happen to hang out with the same kind of people” Ed replied.
“Oh, do you happen to know a lot of night court justices?”
“No, not that many, but I do know a big tall bald bailiff that reminds
me a lot of Bull.”
“You don’t say?” Sonny asks curiously and gives Ed a look like Larry David gives people to see if they’re telling the truth. “So, I can see
what you’re saying.”
I can see… what do you think I’m about to say?” Ed asked.
“That is highly uncalled for! You shouldn’t being saying stuff like what
I think you were about to say.”
Ed asks, “so I shouldn’t say what I’m about to say?”
Sonny says, “Thank you, have a good day!” as he proceeds to slam the door in Ed’s face.
Ed’s an alcoholic and he’s on the YouTube channel called Internet News and ends up drinking while he’s talking about the cold weather. He is drinking from a Saint Bernard’s keg collar. After his 5:45 broadcast, he decides he needs to loosen up so he drinks more. He ends up stumbling to a car that he thinks is his and gets picked up by super troopers. To make a long story short, Ed winds up in an honorable Ellicott City night court.
Ed is with the Bailiff, Louie, and they’re all in the courtroom. They’re waiting for the Judge to enter the room.
Louie tip toes out into the front of the court room as if he is trying not to step on a crack. Louie stands to attention as he yells to the court room with two people, “All rise for the honorable, Judge Herbanfeld!” Louie then spins around and moon walks back to where he came from.
Jason comes out looking like Louie De Palma from Taxi, who was played by Danny DeVito.
Judge Herbanfeld asks, “So what are we here for today?” He then repeats himself, “So what are we here for today?” Judge Herbanfeld then yells really loud, “LOUIE! WHAT ARE WE HERE FOR TODAY?!”
Louie turns to look at Judge Herbanfeld and says, “You didn’t know?”
Jason stops and shakes his head as if he’s kind of confused, “No, can you fill me in as to why I’m sitting here and not playing golf in Hawaii?”
“Well your honor? On these papers, it says that you are here to try and convict Ed-T Duckermen for a DWI, which means driving while intoxicated,” Louie responds.
“Well those are some serious charges, it looks like you’ll be sentenced to maximum penalty if I convict you as guilty” Judge Herbanfeld explains as he looks at the prosecutor because he obviously didn’t know who sat where in the court room.
Ed raises his hand to make himself known. “Your honor, I believe I am aloud to defend myself.” Ed then chugs the drink in front of him as if it was a glass of water. Once he was finished with his drink, he wiped his mouth on his sleeve and slammed the cup back down onto the table, cracking the handle on the cup in the process. After he realizes the handle broke, he tries to put it back together.
“Stop your stalling punk,” Judge Herbanfeld tells Ed, clearly fed up with his procrastination.
Ed lets go of the cup and Louie picks the cup up and fools with the handle.
“Your honor, I am trying to defend myself,” Ed says apologetically.
“Well, you want to hear my verdict or would you like to spend the night in solitary,” Judge Herbanfeld asks Ed.
Ed shrugs his shoulders with a look of confusion. “Your honor…”
“From all that I have gathered upon this, I sentence you to spend an afternoon of your time with one Robert W. Ikena Jr. for a Halloween Party and I am taking your license away from you for the day to show you punishment,” Judge Herbanfeld explains. “You’re required to make it a glorious afternoon out, or you will be seeing me again for you’re parole hearing, am I clear? You better not drive, because I won’t be so pleasant the next time around.”
“For Halloween I don’t have to go trick-or-treating, do I?”
“You may not,” Judge Herbanfeld waits a moment before continuing, “but I’m not sure.”
Sonny reopens the door and starts talking to Ed-T like nothing had happened, “You know, I just Googled you and I kinda like your videos on YouTube. I don’t think that they’re as funny as mine, but okay, whatever.”
“You kinda like my videos on YouTube?”
“What did I say? They were kinda good, nothing to write home about, but I did laugh a little at your Keith Richard joke.” Sonny retorted.
“Well that was a top story and Keith Richard’s was very surprised that Mick and the other Stones remembered that last Tuesday was the anniversary of the day Keith Richard’s died, in 1967, and I also want to remind everyone not to do drugs because they are very deadly and wrong to do, so lay off the weed kids.”
“Well bust my buttons! Come on in,” Sonny invites Ed into his very small bathroom.
Ed looks at Sonny like are you smoking crack in here?! Sonny gestures back to Ed like everyone’s does it once in a while.
“I just used the bathroom, I don’t think I have to go” Ed responds.
“You don’t want to try?!” Sonny questioned. Sonny waited a beat then asked, “Are you bladder shy?”
“I guess you caught me…” Ed said.
“So what brings you by today, Ed-T?” Sonny asked.
“I was court ordered.”
“Oh yeah? Like what exactly?” Sonny answered.
“Don’t worry about it, a little bird told me to come here.”
“I thought you were an Ornithophobic,” Sonny responds sarcastically.
“I’m only like that with ostrich’s.”
“Is it because they like to stick their head in the sand?” Sonny asked Ed-T.
Ed comes back with his mind numbing response, “Those stupid birds must have super bird strength to stick their head into the sand and still live to tell the tale.”
Ed-T stops talking and stands there for a second just looking at Sonny and Sonny is just looking back at Ed, but neither of them said a word. They were just looking at each other for a few minutes.
“What would you be happening to do today?” Ed asked Sonny.
“I’m going to a bar today.”
“A bar? At 11 o’clock in the morning?! That’s kind of a waste of time. What if there is nothing going on there?”
“There will be something going on” Sonny says with a suspicious smirk, as if he already knows what’s going to happen or he’s psychic.
Ed then says “okay then,” like everything is set.
“One more thing, I may need to put on my costume. Do you think you could help me with that?” requests Sonny.
“Sure, where is it?” Ed agrees.
“Do you see that garment bag on top of the refrigerator?” Sonny said. It looked like something stuffed inside an overhead compartment on a plane.
Ed pulls the garment bag down from the top of the refrigerator and opens up the bag. He pulls out this 1950’s style grain polyester suit that looks like it’s been trapped in a closet with a bunch of moths. It had all kinds of holes in it and it looked like it had faded into two different colors as if someone had dipped half of it into water or bleach, or something along those lines.
“By the way, what is your costume?” Ed asked in shock and quite amused.
“I’m a crying tea party member,” Sonny said enthusiastically.
Oh yeah, by the way, today’s date is October 31, 2013 and the government shut down because the republicans didn’t like the fact that Obama is running the country, but we’re not getting political in this story.
Ed puts the suit on Sonny like he’s dressing a champion stallion.
Ed’s grooming Sonny like a champion show pony and getting lost in thoughts of excitement to see what’s going to happen.
Ed-T breaks thought and says, “If we win this one, all we have left to win is The Belmont Stakes!”
“What the heck are you talking about?” Sonny questioned.
“You’re not talking about food, Tubby, are ya?”
“No, on the contrary, I’m talking about gambling!”
“You’re worse then a European.”
After Ed gets Sonny ready and pimped out for the show, Ed helps Sonny into the passenger seat and walks around to the driver’s seat. Once Ed gets settled into his seat, he looks at Sonny and asks, “So where are we going?”
“The bar I told you about.”
“Ok. That sounds great…” Ed stumbles, “But how are we going to get there?” Ed says bewildered.
“Well since you just put me in my van, I was thinking you could drive me to get us there.”
“Like you think of me like your chauffer?”
“Are we talking in reality or in sensibility?p class=MsoNormal> “Define those two words for me,” Ed-T Duckerman tells Sonny.
“Hold on, let me grab a dictionary…”
Ed looks into la-la land as he’s assuming Sonny is going to get his dictionary. Sonny taps Ed on the shoulder and Ed looks back at Sonny and goes, “huh?”
Sonny asks Ed, “Could you sit up for a second?”
Ed sits up and does as Sonny asks. Sonny sticks his hand out and starts feeling around Ed’s posterior. Ed looks back at Sonny and says, “What are you doing back there?!”
“I’m just looking for the Webster’s dictionary, have you seen it?”
“Oh, you mean this one?” Ed holds up the dictionary and gestures to it.
“Ok, what do you want to look up?”
Sonny retorts and says, “This YouTube news reporter jerk wants me to look up these simple words, I have no idea why.”
“Well what words does he want you to look up?”
“Reality and sensibility.”
“Do you believe these are two different words?”
“Well one starts with an R and the other starts with an S, so I believe that makes them two different words, but lets find out for ya.”
Ed looks up the definition of Reality and Sensibility.
“The definition of reality is the world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them,” Ed flips through the pages to find the next word, “Sensibility is the ability to appreciate and respond to complex emotional or aesthetic influences; sensitivity. So what do you get from that?”
“I’m so happy I went to art school.”
“This is Ed-T Duckerman, reporting from Robert W. Ikena Jr.’s van, and Sonny is stating today that there are some reasons why people should go to art school.”
“Do you have some keys for this vehicle?”
“Look in this pocket, I think I have some.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, just stick you hand in this pocket and look!”
“I better not find any banana’s in this pocket…”
Sonny retorts, “I don’t have any banana trees but I do happen to have a plantain tree.”
“You know, I don’t think you can eat those raw. I don’t really like them; they’re hard and plain tasting.”
“Exactly,” and reaches into his own pocket and hands Ed the key.
Ed puts a key into the ignition and starts up the van.
“So now where are we going?”
Ed has the van started up and is ready to go, “So where do we go?”
“That’s a good question…”
“I concur, but where is the bar we’re going to?”
Sonny takes a breath as if he was trying to calm down. “We are going to go right down this road, and pay attention because we are going to make a left here and then we are going to make a left at the light, and then we are going to make another left, and then we are going to make another left…”
“Hold on a second, we’re making FOUR left turns?!” Ed questions as he holds up four fingers. “I believe that is what you call a circle!”
“Great Scott! You’re not thinking fourth dimensionally.”
Ed-T looks at the steering wheel for a second, then looks back at Sonny and says, “Where is this bar located?”
“I’ll tell you that in a second, but first we need to stop at 7/11.”
“We have to stop at a 7/11? Sonny, why do we have to stop at 7/11? It’s not 1984.”
“You’re exactly right. Do you happen to know any Libyans?”
“Libyans? There some bad dudes…”
“How else do you think we can get 1.21 gigawatts of power?”
“Why do you think we need 1.21 gigawatts? You know how hard it is to get 1.21 gigawatts?! Why do you think we need 1.21 gigawatts?!” Ed replies with a look of confusion.
“How else do you think we can get to the bar, man?”
Ed proclaims, “You are exactly right, because I don’t know how to get there.”
Two cars right behind Ed and Sonny, Louie is chauffeuring Jason.
“Who in the world is driving their van?” Jason asks.
“I don’t know boss but… wait… I think it’s Ed-T. Ed-T Duckerman.”
“Duckerman?! That son of a bitch isn’t supposed to be driving. Give me the phone Louie.”
Louie hands Jason the phone. Jason looks at the phone and shakes the phone up and down and says, “Is there something wrong with this phone? It’s not working when I go to turn it on.”
“Oh, the battery is probably dead on that phone.”
“Why did you give me a phone that doesn’t work?”
“You said you wanted a phone, I just figured you needed something to play with.”
“Give me a phone that works, you moron.”
“Ok, but don’t call me a moron sir.”
“Ok you cretin, but give me a phone! Hurry up pal!”
Louie then hands Jason a phone that’s on the dashboard. It was plugged into a charger in the cigarette lighter.
Louie grabs the phone from off of the dashboard and sits the phone in Jason’s lap. Jason then asked Louie to dial a number. “Dispatch, I need an 867 out here for a 5309.” Jason waits for a response and then yells back through the phone, “No! I’m not talking about Jenny’s number!” Jason then looks at Louie and asks, “Why is it so hard to find a traffic cop when you need one? I don’t have time for this anyway, I have to go home. I got a thing.” Jason continued. Then out of no where he begins to yell, “Louie! Make a left up at the corner!”
Ed-T and Sonny Arrive at the bar.
“Can I have a beer?” Sonny asks the Mexican bartender.
“Me no hablo ingles” the bartender replies to Sonny.
Sonny taps Ed on the side of his body and asks, “Hey, do you happen to know any Portuguese?”
“I think that is what the bartender is speaking, and I have no idea how to translate English into that.”
“I think that he is speaking Spanish, not Portuguese, and I may be able to help. Hold on a second,” Ed looks at the bartender, licks his lips, raises his hand and says, “Yo hombre, can we get two coronas?” as he holds up two fingers to indicate the amount of beers he wants.
The bartender, who’s as fat as a beach ball fully blown up, has to be around 500 pounds and about 5’10”, picks up a beer cup and wipes it off with a towel and says, “We don’t serve gringo’s here.”
Ed sticks out his chest like he’s some kinda tough guy. “Who are you calling a gringo?!”
The bartender laughed at it, “You want a tequila?”
“I guess,” Ed replies as his hands flop around like a fish out of water, “Do you happen to have a diet?” He lets out a breath, as if he had just won a fight.
The bartender pulls out a shot glass from under the counter and pours him some tequila, but a tequila worm falls into the shot and he slides the shot over towards Ed, and as Ed catches the shot, Ed looks at Sonny and then back at the bartender as he picks up the shot.
Ed asks, “Is this part of the Keto Diet?”
“I’m not sure what that is, but it is part of the Paleo Diet.”
For those who don’t already know, The Paleo Diet is the healthiest diet that mimics the diets of our caveman ancestors, includes meats, seafood, vegetables, fruits, and nuts.
“The Paleo Diet? Really? That’s a good diet.”
“Ed, what is The Keto Diet?” Sonny questions.
“I don’t know, it’s something that I read in Penthouse Forum,” Ed informs Sonny.
“I don’t think so, you knucklehead,” Sonny stated.
The Keto Diet is a high-fat, adequate-protein, low-carbohydrate diet that in medicine is used primarily to treat difficult-to-control epilepsy in children.
“Look up the dribble that comes out of your mouth so people don’t think that you’re a brain dead idiot, you moron,” Sonny abruptly said to Ed.
Ed-T takes back the shot and drinks down the tequila worm. Sonny squinches his eyes in horror like he just bit into a raw lemon.
Sonny continues, “You should just jump into the lake with your other Saratoga buddies because we don’t do that around here, and if you don’t have a response to that, then get a shovel and start digging.”
All the sudden a real mean looking hombre walks in. He had big bulgy arms hanging out of his black leather vest. He had brown boots on and kinda resembled a rowdy Mexican cowboy. He had low hanging spurs that made noise when he walked.
The biker cowboy Mexican dude says with a very authoritative intimidating voice, “Yo Jorge, I want a Mexican Shandy on the rocks.”
The 500 pound bartender, also known as Jorge the bartender apparently, began to dance around behind the bar like he was the top swan in a Swan Lake production. He slides Bill, the Mexican biker cowboy dude, the drink when he’s Louie making the Mexican Shandy.
Bill takes a tiny sip and then sits down the glass. He looks at Jorge and says, “That’s not too bad today.”
Jorge smiles and shakes his head with a real nervous look.
“Thank you very much.”
Meanwhile at the bar, Sonny and Ed are staring in awe or gawking at the biker Cowboy Mexican dude.
“Do you see the gun show that guy is carrying around?!” Ed asked Sonny.
Sonny replied, “What are you trying to say?”
“That guys muscles are making muscles!”
“I think something is wrong with your eyes, because you got front row seats too the biggest gun show in town,” Sonny replies as he flexed his toothpick arms.
Ed’s chucking to himself and then says, “Your show is pretty good but that guy does have a pretty impressive show.”
“That’s a bunch of Fresh Step!” Sonny gets a bit charged up. “Ed, you want me to go on over there to the biker dude Mexican guy and show him what I got?!”
“Sonny, I don’t think you could handle something like that.”
“What’re you talking about dude?” Sonny asked with a jealous anger stricken face.
Ed says with real sincerity, “Look, I know you think you have it all going on but sometimes there is some people worth a little bit more, some people that just train a little bit harder then you.”
Sonny tries to rip off his shirt but instead just continued to become exhausted. He takes a deep breath and then turns his head to look at Ed, gasping for air, “Do you think you can help me take off my shirt?”
“I need to take off my shirt to go over there and see whose guns are better.”
“Don’t be a fool…” Ed looks at the biker dude and back at Sonny and says, “I think my mom is calling me.”
“What do you mean? You ain’t got my back, after all that we’ve been though?!”
“After you making fun of my videos and making fun of my driving and not helping me when we got lost and not telling me where we were going and all that other stuff…” Ed takes a minute and looks at the Mexican cowboy biker dude and then back at Sonny again, and deliberating on his final words, he says “Screw you, I’m going home!” like Carmen on South Park. Ed then stands up and walks out of the bar.
Too be continued…
"Friedreich's Ataxia Fact Sheet." : National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke (NINDS). N.p., n.d. Web. 07 Jan. 2014.
"Learning About Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy." Learning About Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. N.p., n.d. Web. 05 Jan. 2014.